Well Socratically readers, do I have a treat for you. Today, we will be doing our first interview, and it’s a doozy. We got an exclusive interview with the Worm inside RFK Jr’s brain. First a little history, lets get into it…

Ladies and Squirms, The Worm!

If you haven’t heard, there was a revelation from Independent Presidential Candidate Robery F. Kennedy Jr earlier in the month that he had actually contracted a Brainworm. Said brainworm allegedly died after eating a part of his brain and forming into a tumor after dying. Yes, that’s right, folks; our years of accusing people with terrible opinions of having Brainworms have finally come true. And this one ate something so toxic it decided it needed to lay down for a while and play dead.

This whole saga was revealed by reporting from The New York Times, which acquired the testimony as part of RFK Jr.’s divorce proceedings from his then-wife. He argued that the Worm had contributed to a reduced mental capacity and thus affected his ability to earn money through his career in public speaking. However, he and his campaign insist the damage done by the supposedly “dead” Worm was minimal, and he has since made a full recovery from the disease.

He even tried playing it up for laughs, taking to X to claim he would beat Biden and Trump in a debate even if he ate five more worms; I can’t even make this up:

I am not sure who in his campaign egged this on, but I am not sure it helps him as much as he thinks—as it fuels more discussion around his ability to lead when he supposedly has chunks of his brain matter chomped out by a parasitic tapeworm.

This undoubtedly sent the internet into a frenzy, an absolute firestorm of memes, jokes, reactions, and talk show host jabs. No one could believe that a man running for president who wasn’t one of the two geriatric old men admitted that his brain had less matter because he had a worm in it and died—an admission you would have had to torture out of me over months.

One such frenzy was an account on the platform Threads, the Meta answer to Twitter's downfall and the rise of the brainworm factory known as X. The account, purporting to be the Worm trapped inside of Kennedy's head, sprouted up on May 9th, 2024, at roughly 10 a.m. Eastern Time. @rfk.jr.brain.worm first posted this:

Which didn’t garner much attention until later that same morning after the account posted this:

This is a common misquote from the late Mark Twain, one of the most famous early phenomena of death hoaxes. Newspapers were operating under unsubstantiated rumors that Mark Twain had died, and he uttered his famous quote, "The report of my death was an exaggeration." which is often misquoted as "reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." This post garnered the bulk of the initial attention. The account soon grew to over 10,000 followers in just five days. An account named @factcheckjeff soon took notice of this and began charting the upward momentum of the brainworm account.

The account seems to have plateaued a bit now, slowing its reach and growth from the initial shock in the first few days. It currently has just over 12,000 followers. The account's posts range from bizarre memes to humanitarian causes and earnest commentary on the human condition. It is a real grab bag of content for everyone, it would seem. It’s consistently sharing unique perspectives from the experiences inside RFK Jr’s mind. The Worm also lends a “hand” to anyone looking for insight on whether someone’s weird behavior is particularly “worm-based.”

Recently, the Worm started a fundraiser for the nonprofit Parasites Without Borders. This organization is a global nonprofit focused on helping those suffering from parasitic diseases in subtropical environments. They are hoping to raise $3,000 by November 16th, 2024.

Initially, I was writing this as a sort of summary of events so far. Still, after seeing the Worm talk about their new fundraising event and having previously reached out with no response, I figured it wasn’t happening. However, when they responded to my post, we took our shot. Knowing I couldn’t squander this, I knew we had to use it to learn more about the invertebrate behind the scenes of RFK Jr.

After a few back and forths, they were gracious enough to accept on the condition that we let them hitch a ride in an escape attempt in the near future. Of course, we will need to forgo some brain for the road, but for journalistic integrity, it felt like a necessary sacrifice. Less than a few minutes after that thread post, I received an answer in my DMs, and as it happened, we both were free right away, so I just gave them a call.

Interview With a Worm

Socratically: “First of all, thank you for taking the time to join us for an interview. It’s an honor to speak with someone who’s lived such an exciting life such as yours. But we have to ask, why us? This is an unknown publication with very few followers?”

The Worm: “Oh, you were just the first people to ask honestly. I think most people assume in order to speak with me, they might need to give Bob a call, so they get scared off.”

Socratically: “Well, we appreciate you taking the time regardless. We weren’t sure how you would call in from inside his head, but happy to just not think about it too hard.”

The Worm: “It’s best not to think too hard. It starts to make the brain taste really gamey.”

[ We shared a laugh, but there was a tenseness in the air after it was said that made us think they were thinking about eating my brain. They likely were. We continued on with a little less pleasantry and more direct questioning next. ]

How did you get into RFK Jr’s brain?

He says he picked me up in a South Asian country, but I couldn't say for certain since, at the time, I was just a larva inside a hog. Our best delivery system is when you forget to cook it all the way. I recommend it; it really brings out the juicy flavor of the pork.

(Socratically does not condone the consumption of undercooked or raw pork)

How long were you there before he noticed?

I want to say I was there for at least six months before he probably started to feel the symptoms. We generally aren’t very discriminating in where or what we chomp on, so sometimes you notice right away when we start biting at the stem or writhing on the frontal lobe. If we are lucky, we end up in the anterior insular cortex; this part of the brain is very sweet and soft. It coincidently also holds your empathy, so that might be why so many with brain worms seem to be devoid of it.

Interesting. So, are you saying the behavior we see displayed on the political right may be due to brain worms?

Not exactly, since I don’t want to give them such an easy out, but let’s say it’s more common than you’d think.

So, obviously, you aren’t dead. Why do you think he and the doctors think you are?

I was napping, for Pete’s sake! Haven’t you gone down after a big lunch and had a good rest? I can’t always be wriggling around every time someone with a rotating magnet box wants to take a selfie.

How were you able to start a Threads account? Do worms have phones?

It’s complicated, but due to a series of mutations, I am able to communicate telepathically and have limited psychic abilities. This allows me to manipulate things outside of my enclosure to some degree and speak through others if necessary. But it’s incredibly taxing and usually requires me to eat more brain in order to keep my strength up.

What do you mean “series of mutations”? What happened? Did he do something to you?

I can’t say for certain, but I think it was due to his constant use of Ivermectin in the last few years. It’s not intended for brain worms and likely shouldn’t have affected me, but he was using so much that I think it tried to attack me anyway. I nearly died. I was dormant for what felt like a few years, and then when I woke up, I suddenly had my own thoughts. My own sense of identity. Wasn’t long before I figured out I could sense other worms.

Incredible! I assume it was quite alarming at first. A few of your followers have noted that you are rather well-spoken. Is this from the mutation? Or is it something else?

I think a little bit of the mutation is definitely involved. See, we tapeworms also latch onto and absorb nutrients from the host passively. This absorption, when applied to the brain, is a little bit like mind-reading. It's not just mutated worms, either; other worms do it as well; they just can’t tell you about it.

You mentioned telepathy before. Does this mean you have reached out to other worms?

As soon as I could. None can really talk back, but I can read what they’ve absorbed. So, I was able to accumulate a lot very quickly. I can sometimes sense their intention, but it’s mostly impulses.

This is very interesting. Can you read minds directly? Are you able to influence someone even without being there?

No. No, nothing like that. Just Worm to Worm. If I could influence RFK Jr or anyone else, I would have had him drop out of the race and stop saying weird anti-Vaxx stuff.

So you don’t agree with RFK Jr’s politics?

Vehemently not, for someone from Harvard, he seems to have a lot of, shall I say, brain-wormed takes. No, we disagree on pretty much everything. Perhaps that’s why he tries to pretend I am dead.

Speaking of RFK Jr’s stance on vaccines, What’s your opinion?

On vaccines? Get em’, stop thinking you know more than a doctor. No amount of googling is going to make you more of an expert than someone who had to spend two worm lifetimes to achieve. What he says and advocates is wrong and dangerous.

Have you ever talked with him directly?

No, I think once in a while, he might sense what I am trying to tell him, but he just sort of brushes it away as an intrusive thought. I usually bite him in the brain stem when he does this.

Pivoting back to your social media presence. Why don’t you use X? Isn’t that a bigger platform to spread your awareness?

Too much competition; it’s absolutely filled to the brim with folks infected to the gills with brain worms. Due to my condition, I have developed quite a sense of empathy, and being around that many degenerate bigots make a worm want to really lay down for a big sleep. It makes you lose a little bit of faith in humanity. Threads seems to have been able to subvert this behavior with just basic moderation and the ability to self-moderate your own posts.

RFK Jr has claimed on multiple occasions that he has fully recovered from contracting you. Is there any merit to that?

I mean, all you have to do is look at his behavior in the 10+ years since he contracted me. Do you think that’s a man who is fully recovered mentally? He’s absolutely losing it. Those holes I bore in the swiss-cheese didn’t magically close up.

You’ve said before you don’t actually enjoy his brain. Why is that?

Bad opinions taste bad.

That simple, alright then. What about others? Is there someone you wish you could reside in?

I don’t have anyone specific, if I am honest. I think it would be nice to live with someone who’s lived a long life and given a lot to humanity. I wouldn't want to cut short the life of someone doing something in their youth. One way or another, I still subsist on brains, and I cause detrimental damage to my host.

Do you plan to reproduce? I know worms have the ability to leave eggs behind to procreate. Is that on the table for you?

This is a tough question. The truth is, unfortunately, no, I can’t. The mutations rendered me infertile in both my male and female reproductive organs. My regenerative properties are also diminished; I can hardly grow any longer than I am currently.

I am so sorry to hear that. Do you know how long you might live? Don’t Tapeworms not have a very long life expectancy?

I have no idea. There has never been one like me, so I think we are treading new ground.

You mentioned before escaping, is that still a reality for you?

I think so. I have a few options, and I made an attempt the other day, but a roaming gang of pinworms blocked the exit. I wasn’t very fond of making my way out of the southern exit, but I was desperate. I ended up retreating back to my spot on the upper lobes of his mind to re-plan my escape.

By southern, you mean… his anus, don’t you?

Yeah… let’s not talk about it anymore.

I think we are nearing our time; I just wanted to close out by asking you what your next plan is. If you get out, do you intend to change your name? What’s next for the Worm who survived?

Well, of course the charity I shared with you, Parasites Without Borders. It’s an important charity, and I am not by any means affiliated with them in any official capacity. But I admire the work they do, even when it comes at my own kinds eradication. The truth of the matter is the damage we can inflict causes people like RFK Jr to proliferate, and I can’t have that on my conscience.

I do intend to change my name and drop the RFK Jr. connotation. Once that's feasible, I’d like to distance myself from him as much as possible. I could maybe make myself a sort of watchdog for brain-worm behavior. I have this platform, and it only makes sense to use it for some sort of awareness. I’m also writing a memoir, “Something On Your Mind?: A Worm Tale.” I don’t have any publishing offers, so I assume I will self-publish it and put it up on something like Patreon if possible. You can follow me on Threads to know when it drops.

Thank you so much. This has been a delight. I hope you succeed in your journey. Can you put a good word in for my worms?

No such luck. I think they already did a number on you as it is. I’m so sorry—my condolences.

This concluded our interview, but I feel like they left a little bit of itself behind to keep me company. Or perhaps the worms were biting a little extra hard at the stem today. Who could be sure?

Please be sure to follow the brainworm themselves@rfk.jr.brain.worm on Threads.net and subscribe to Socratically for more hard-hitting reporting like this.